Friday, February 20, 2015

5 Things Only Church Giants Will Understand

Its not easy being a killing machine.

1. Making friends is hard when you carry a giant axe.

You love your axe, but it seems like no one else does. You just want to show people how awesome it is when you drag your silver baby across the ground and make the sparks fly, but every time you do it people run away in fear.

2. Saturnos are fly as fuck.

It’s true. You are pretty fly for a pale, pallid guy, and the saturno is the key to your success. Church fashion has never felt cooler as you're walking along and your saturno is bouncing to match your strut.

3. Bells aren’t just for clock towers anymore.

Bells are the new pendant. Remember when you walked around town and that necklace of yours didn’t ring out? Yeah, I’d rather forget about that too.

4. Large doesn’t have to mean slow.

Lumbering is for the ogres. You are no slouch, your keep active and work yourself to the bone. Literally. Your thighs might just be femurs.

5. A vacant expression doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings.

People don’t take the time to get to know you when you’re a homicidal monstrosity. They think the vacant expression is to make you look more horrifying, but the truth is it’s a fa├žade. It’s easier to be hard then to open yourself up and risk getting hurt.

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